Job Seeker's Guide to Employment Euphemisms

 

Job Seeker's Guide to Employment Euphemisms

As a contract worker, I've spent a large part of my life, looking for a job... As a result, I've come up with a list of what employers really mean, when they say trite things to you...

- A high level of energy and enthusiasm, and the ability to work well in a team environment.
    Be willing to work 14 hour days spinning your wheels while management searches desperately for a clue

- Fast paced and challenging environment
    Impossible Deadlines and management has an attitude

- Challenging and demanding position
    Be willing to work until the job is done

- Well Defined Corporate Culture
    Small Company: Everybody is already close friends and you'll never fit in.
    Large Company: Welcome to Stepford.  (For the truly obtuse: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327162/combined )

- have an exceptional ability to communicate with end users and team members
    Lots of politics and hidden agendas going on, here.

- Must be able to demonstrate strong analysis and design skills
    The people you will be working with are really dense.

- Very casual, non-micro - managed environment
    Everything's cool if you have exactly our work style, otherwise we will hound you like the dog you are.

- Must also have excellent communications skills as you will have heavy interaction with users. Client is very particular with this.
    IT dept and the Users have bad blood.  Run away, Run Away.

- Must have Excellent Written and Oral Communication Skills.
    You must have them, however we don't VALUE them, therefore we will pay you squat.

- We enable you to enjoy an impressive career, maintain a positive work/life balance, and keep technology moving ahead with one of the industry's leaders.
    Get to work, you can have balance when you're an owner.

- Ability and willingness to contribute to the improvement of team and staff proficiency
    We're weak and need you to fix this project and us, but we are unwilling to grow or change.

- Desire to continually learn and adapt to the business environment and company goals
    Company is in trouble.

- Superior work ethic, loyalty, honesty and a high level of professionalism
    Current staff has a morale problem and bad blood exists.

- Ability to manage multiple projects and multi-task
    Impossible work load and obscene deadlines.

- Commitment to consistently meet deadlines
    This is two jobs in one paycheck, run away.

- Ability to work both in a team environment and independently
    You're on your own to solve the problem, but Everyone has to feel they contributed.

- Resourceful, energetic team player
    Sycophant needed.

- Must be strong at multi-tasking
     There are a gazillion conflicting demands on your time.

- Ability to deal with Ambiguity.
     Quicksand like requirements documents are the norm.

- Must be experienced enough to hit the ground running, but flexible enough to change course as required.
     Our business is in a state of flux and no one has a clue, please provide one.  But be forewarned, it will still be wrong.

- This is a key position on a small entrepreneurial team.
     Start up wants you to be young, so they can work you to death for no pay.

 

-- Much Love